The Last of Me

It’s been 3 days since we last talk. I haven’t cried hard like I used to when we go on fights.

They say it would take a week for a breakup to sink in or have I prepared myself long before this happened? Did I become so exhausted of understanding that I’ve finally reached the end of the rope?

They say that a relationship is not a fairweather thing. When you choose to invest, you have to be ready for the storm, for the heavy rainy days just as you prepare yourself for summer.

It was a test of patience and understanding to wear your shoes all the time and perceive things your way. I thought that was right. That love has to be unconditional, selfless, that it means to suffer all the time. I’ve conditioned my mind that love has to be more about the other person than me. I am okay outside but internally, I’m shattered.

You know when you hammer a broken vase and try to put it back and hammer it again and puzzle again, there will come a point where the pieces become too small that it’s impossible to return to its original shape. The chances I gave you were near to endless but it wasn’t enough. Everything I did was not enough.

We have so many unresolved issues. We’re both trying to row a boat that has holes. We’re trying to save us but we’re both sinking. We gave our constant effort to pass through the waves though we know that eventually, we’ll drown.

There were days that we were so freaking happy and I thought, it was worth a try. You pampered me with surprises, good mornings, I love yous, forehead kisses and more.

But I hate to admit that the bad things have more weight than the good times we had and I’m sorry.

I, too, didn’t expect that I would come to this point. I thought all the while, it was just okay to cover the holes of our sinking relationship and go on with the plans we have. 8 years. I know. But I’m too scared to go on if breaking up and making up was too easy for you.

It’s not actually how big the mistakes are, it is just the accumulation of the many times it was repeated.

8 years. I have begged you to stay. I’ve chosen you over a lot of things and a lot of people and a lot of dreams but this time, I’m choosing myself.

So I’m sorry if this is the last of me.

 

– – brynelmaries

 

Now serving: Promises and Lies

I’ll take care of you
Make you laugh and smile
Hold your hand
And hug you from the back
You Promised.

We will go on trips
Watch sunset by the beach
Stargaze while lying inside our tent
And witness the sunrise next morn’
You Promised.

We’ll visit a movie house
Scream when horror glimpse
Cry during parting time
And be inspired every hour
You Promised.

I’ll remember every date
Your birthday and every wish
Big or small achievement we make
Together we will celebrate
You Promised.

But like every book I read
Movies and even fairytales I’ve watched
This too came to an end
Cause every promise you made
At the end I only realized
You LIED.

-tahla06

Pagpati

5
source: google.com

I was raised in a traditional Filipino family wherein women have to behave accordingly and men are free to misbehave as much as they want to; a traditional family wherein superiors are the older ones and you do not have, in any way, any right to reason against them; a family wherein everybody helps one another, however difficult the situation goes; a family which is a haven cradled with traditions and old beliefs the society still follow even if Ipads and Kindles are a trending topic of today’s generation.

I remember seeing my younger cousin Ira rushing inside our aunt’s house teary eyed while yelling: “tita! Nag damgo ‘ko nga nakakas unto ko! (tita! I dreamed that one of my teeth fell off!). I raised my brows and smiled for I knew what was going to happen next).My aunt who’s a fan of Pinoy Superstitions panicked and told my cousin to bite the bark of a tree found in front of her house “para dira ma upok ang malas!” (so that it would absorb the bad omen!). My cousin, who was obedient as usual, bit the unfortunate tree which was expected to die in a day’s time because it has absorbed whatever bad thing was about to come. However, the tree is still alive until now.

Black cats, black butterfly, cleaning your house at night, breaking a glass, having dreamed of snakes—name it! these are all found in any Pinoys’ Dictionary of superstitious beliefs and are all in one label— MALAS. These superstitious beliefs are all part of our childhood and of course, our future. These beliefs often times affect our mindset and make us fear the unknown, for they sometimes suggest that something bad will happen; that something bad is actually on our way and will attack as anytime soon.

imagessource: google.com

There is nothing wrong with following precautions in our beliefs as long as, we do not over do it; forgetting that we have to stand up and move to make our lives much better. Buenas will come our way when we are positive in life— how we see life makes a big impact on whichever path we take. As of the dreaded malas category, people will often say “wala may madula ah.” and yes, I agree with this. There is nothing wrong with following these precautions to avoid malas as long as we do not overreact to such things and we all know that by following these beliefs, we achieve that peace of mind.
Moreover, there are beliefs that are found in another category– the BUENAS category. Black ants inside your house represents money, keeping cooked rice in your “calderos” every new year will give you a bounty year ahead, wearing polka dots every new year (which I’m guilty of doing so) will give you a hefty fortune for the months to come, etc., These beliefs are still followed by many of us since it actually makes us have that positive mindset and thus, attracts positive energy which usually results to good things. These “buenas” superstitions are still imitated by many of us for the hope of having a better life in the days to come.

Let us treat superstitions just like the tree my cousin bit, no matter how hard we bite it, no matter how much effort we exert— it will live. we cannot erase superstitions in a snap because it is a part of our identities as Filipinos. I do not have anything against these beliefs; however, it will only go wrong if we overdo it. These beliefs will not die because we continue to nurture them, because by doing the rules of the buenas brings us absolute things in life. Whatever we do, it will always be up to us.

Our lives will always be shaped by our very own choices and not because we followed the BUENAS and avoided the MALAS.

P.S. this is an old write up that I posted on my now-deleted blog. Hope you enjoyed it.

bokwanders

The Delusional

You still visit me even in the most random day. Like a fairytale that never gets old, we meet where the northern light dance.

Our time is a short-lived infinity wrapped in slow motion.
It’s where paintings go alive and everything in this dreamland is left for us to explore.

Here, we lay as we watched a thousand stars falling from the sky and I’m wishing the same prayer in all of them. Here, there are no rules or logic. Here, your eyes, I don’t have to look away. Here, we’re beautifully messed up.

But the daylight chases us. Happy-ending ends.

I opened my eyes once again and watched the streak of sunshine on my window.

– brynelmaries

Chances, Changes

You are my star
Shining afar
You fell in the right time
Stumbling at my feet

When I thought everything is okay
You left me hanging and simply went away
Four years passed and everything changed

You’re like a shooting star
Falling rarely in the sky
Just like cold wind in December
Out of nowhere you appear

Like a fool last Fall
You were given a chance
Circumstances keep failing
One after another chances are breaking

Begging and asking
The last chance to change
But then again, it never happened
Like a shooting star, you simply passed and disappeared.

-Tahla

For the one who always saves

For reminding me of my worth
when I needed it the most,
For not getting tired of my
same old issues,
For the open arms and
the honest truths,
Thank you.

For being the one
who always saves,
and for not giving up on me
while others do,
Thank you.

And sorry,
for not being there
when you’re most vulnerable.
I could only wish to comeback
and make a change.
Still, you choose to forgive,
Still, you choose to forget.

You’re a genuine soul in a masquerade,
and I’m happy to find you
in a million fake masks.

I could only hope the best for you,
Cause you deserve the love that
you give away.

–  brynelmaries

 

They argued

When i was little
i won the quiz bee
It was science
It was challenging
But I did it
i won
So
i went home and proudly said
“Look! I won!”
THEY LOOKED AT me
Disgusted
“But, your’e fat” they argued.

When i was small
i placed first runner up
in a contest.
It was awesome.
People applauded.
i went home and told THEM
BUT OH NO!
THEY were not glad
“But,your’e fat.” they argued.

When i was tiny
i went home and bragged
i passed a training
i said.
THEY frowned
Looked down on me
Laughed
“But, your’e fat.” they argued.

Then I grew up.
It was painful.
It was a spectacular process.
I did not win on anything
BUT I GREW UP
I LEARNED THAT My WORTH–
And how I influence the world thru my heart
“but…but, you ARE fat!” they argued
“But, I’m more than that.” I SAID.

bokwanders

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