The Last of Me

It’s been 3 days since we last talk. I haven’t cried hard like I used to when we go on fights.

They say it would take a week for a breakup to sink in or have I prepared myself long before this happened? Did I become so exhausted of understanding that I’ve finally reached the end of the rope?

They say that a relationship is not a fairweather thing. When you choose to invest, you have to be ready for the storm, for the heavy rainy days just as you prepare yourself for summer.

It was a test of patience and understanding to wear your shoes all the time and perceive things your way. I thought that was right. That love has to be unconditional, selfless, that it means to suffer all the time. I’ve conditioned my mind that love has to be more about the other person than me. I am okay outside but internally, I’m shattered.

You know when you hammer a broken vase and try to put it back and hammer it again and puzzle again, there will come a point where the pieces become too small that it’s impossible to return to its original shape. The chances I gave you were near to endless but it wasn’t enough. Everything I did was not enough.

We have so many unresolved issues. We’re both trying to row a boat that has holes. We’re trying to save us but we’re both sinking. We gave our constant effort to pass through the waves though we know that eventually, we’ll drown.

There were days that we were so freaking happy and I thought, it was worth a try. You pampered me with surprises, good mornings, I love yous, forehead kisses and more.

But I hate to admit that the bad things have more weight than the good times we had and I’m sorry.

I, too, didn’t expect that I would come to this point. I thought all the while, it was just okay to cover the holes of our sinking relationship and go on with the plans we have. 8 years. I know. But I’m too scared to go on if breaking up and making up was too easy for you.

It’s not actually how big the mistakes are, it is just the accumulation of the many times it was repeated.

8 years. I have begged you to stay. I’ve chosen you over a lot of things and a lot of people and a lot of dreams but this time, I’m choosing myself.

So I’m sorry if this is the last of me.

 

– – brynelmaries

 

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